Dave D aka Donkey D.

Things are looking up, I saw an old school chum this morning, Dave D and unlike some of my other school pals he doesn’t have one foot in the grave. In fact he looks a picture of health and no different than I remembered him from years ago. He came up behind me in the shop whilst I was buying a paper pinched my ankle and made a barking sound, thinking I had been bitten I jumped a mile and was about to floor him when he explained who he was. The Indian gentleman serving me began waving his arms around and shouting “Get out, get out no fighting in here” then he came from behind the counter and pushed us both toward the door. I thought he over reacted, but I did jump quite high nearly knocking the chap in front of me over and I think I swore loudly. Dave D was laughing throughout the whole thing and as the door was slammed behind us he shouted “Shove your paper up your arse, can’t you take a joke”.

It all came flooding back to me, can’t you take a joke might have been his catch phrase, he was always saying it to someone, but then he was always playing practical jokes on people who never seemed to see the funny side of his lunatic actions. I reminded him that the last time we had seen each other he had us thrown out of a pub for making lewd suggestions to one of the barmaids who just happened to be the landlord’s daughter.

He didn’t tell me what he had said but I can guess. He was what you call a well-endowed chap and not at all shy about it, In fact he would inform anyone who would listen after he had downed a few drinks. As gross as this might sound most of the time he could get away with it because he was such a likeable type of bloke, always the life and soul of the party. But there would be the odd occasion when his forwardness would get him into trouble.

He seemed to have a death wish when it came to authority and was constantly in trouble at school despite his having above average intelligence and being confidently academic. He couldn’t abide pompousness and wasn’t very fond of lectures when he had transgressed. “Tell me off, punish me, let me go, don’t drag it out just to hear yourself talk”, that was how he looked at it. I remember once several of us had been caught doing something we shouldn’t have been doing and were sent up to the head for a bollocking and a spot of corporal.
We stood in a row heads bowed in front of the headmaster’s desk as he read the riot act to us. It went on and on and on, I could see Dave starting to fidget a sure sign that something would soon go wrong.

Eventually the headmaster finished and asked each in turn if we had anything to say, of course we meekly apologised, insisted that it wouldn’t happen again, the usual bullshit you come out with when your in that situation. When he came to Dave he asked the same question he had asked us all “have you got anything to say” Dave stared him right in the eye and said in a loud and confident voice “Balls all your worship”.

My heart sank, someone giggled, the head sprang from behind his desk and roared “What did you say boy”, Dave looked him in the eye and said again but louder “Balls all, are you deaf”. The heads face was bright crimson; he screamed at the rest of us to wait outside, we filed out quickly, Dave started to follow but was dragged back then the door slammed.

We listened intently, from behind the door we heard the head demand that he hold out his hand, our pal refused, the head demanded again, I heard him say “get it over with then, take it out on me cos yer didn’t get yer conkers last night”. The headmaster roared again “you insolent little bastard”. There was a loud thwack as the strap landed on his outstretched hand, Dave said “didn’t hurt” then another thwack and again “didn’t hurt” I lost count after eight, but each thwack was followed by the words “didn’t hurt”. We all stood shaking and with every thwack we flinched. Eventually there was silence, then the head screamed at him to get out, the door opened and a defiant Dave sauntered past us, he looked back as we stood there open mouthed and winked at us. The headmaster bright red and sweating shouted at us to get out of his sight.

We scattered in all directions, I caught up with Dave in the boy’s toilets, he had his hands under a cold water tap and was shaking. I asked him if he was ok, and why he had done such a stupid thing. He laughed and said “well you cant complain, you lot got off with it” but there were tears in his eyes. After that episode he was a legend in the school, I’m sure that kind of thing happens all the time nowadays, but in my school days insurgence was a rare thing.

He doesn’t seem to have changed at all; he is going to call me to arrange a night out, that should be an interesting Blog.

Footnote: Conkers Sex with the wife.