The amazing rolling ruler.

Norman was the unlikeliest ladies man I have ever met. He was five foot two, had one leg shorter than the other, and had a nose that W C Fields would have been proud of. But the killer was his bright orange wig. It fell far short of where (what was left) his real hair began displaying a large smiley mouth shaped patch of glistening skin between the two.

Wherever he went people stared at this beacon of light plonked on his head, he seamed oblivious to the attention his syrup attracted. His limping gate made him sway from side to side and it was not unknown for people to follow him just to see if it would fall off.

The first time I saw him was at an electronics rally in Oldham, he had pitched his table in one corner of the room and was demonstrating the Amazing-rolling ruler to a large crowd of people. This is what he did for a living, he would buy a product at a knocked down price and much like the shopping channels of today would put the product through its paces demonstrating that whilst you had so far managed without it, your life would be so much the richer should you buy it.

As I stood there watching him draw shapes and lines with the Amazing rolling ruler faster than the eye could keep up with, I looked around at his audience, they looked on impressed and open mouthed, but it wasn’t the product they were looking at. It was Norman’s bright orange wig dancing on his head. He turned to the left, his wig stayed where it was, he turned to the right, his wig refused to comply. It seemed that he wig had a mind of its own, as Norman moved and turned his head the wig pivoted about a central point on his baldpate.

At the end of each demonstration he would hold up the Amazing rolling ruler and inform everyone that they could own this marvellous device, not for a fiver, not for three quid, not even for two unmissable pounds. But for just one pound, yes one pound ladies and gentlemen you could do away with all your writing and drawing implements and do it all with the amazing rolling ruler.

They walked zombie like toward him, pound in hand staring at his self-articulating wig. Then he would start all over again with another crowd of spellbound gawkers; he must have made a fortune. I’m sure he thought his success was down to his powers as a salesman, but it had to be the wig, and I think it might have been that which attracted the ladies. I got talking to him later over lunch in the café, where we were joined by his current girlfriend, tall, long blonde hair, sun-tanned and the longest legs I have ever seen.

They looked an odd couple and I saw him receive many a jealous look from less follicly challenged males that day. They were obviously wondering what it was that he had that they didn’t. But I know what it was, how can any girl resist an Amazing rolling ruler.