Gobble,gobble,gobble.

I drove over to Huddersfield last night to take my Grandson to stay with my ex-wife for a week, it’s a treat my daughters children look forward to in the school holidays. They take it in turns to drive the old bat round the twist for a few days. In return she buys them sweets and drags them round charity shops where they buy yet more junk for my Daughter to trip over when they take it home.

I’m not fond of going to see the wrinkly one. She insists on making me mounds of turkey sandwiches, I think she buys it in cheap just after Christmas and freezes it. What I don’t eat during the visit she will wrap in foil with another mound she made for the journey back (Just in case I get hungry) or to eat the day after for my dinner. She is fond of cats, which I am not and has several, plus there is always a batch of kittens somewhere waiting for owners.

She has an annoying habit of remembering the great times we had when we were married, I used to tell her that I couldn’t remember any great times, but it was pointless arguing with her, she just rattles on regardless. So I just fill my mouth with turkey now and sit through it for as long as I have to. Another annoying thing she does is try to offload the crap she buys at these charity shops. Now I know you can pick some bargains up at these places for quite reasonable prices, one or two people have told me about the great deals they have acquired. But my ex seems to be on a mission to get as many bad deals as possible.

Last night she smiled brightly and said “Oh wait, I have something for you, your going to love this, you always said you wanted one of these” she disappeared into her crap cupboard and emerged with a scruffy looking bacon slicer. She held it aloft proudly “Well, didn’t I say I would get you one and it was only ninety pence”. I had a gob full of turkey which I nearly choked on trying to get down because I was going to piss my sides, It took a while to swallow during which time her smile grew wider and she waved the bacon slicer around like a magicians assistant.

During the short interval that I was choking the turkey down everything I wanted to say went through my mind. Like: I have never asked you to get me a bacon slicer, the words bacon slicer have never passed my lips before today. And: it wont slice bacon because it doesn’t have a handle to turn, and even if it did it still wouldn’t slice bacon because it has no blade. And who needs to slice bacon these days, it comes already sliced.

So wide was the triumphant smile on her face that I couldn’t bring myself to deflate her obvious joy at having at last got a small foothold into my life again. It was difficult not to laugh; it was even more difficult to subdue my sarcastic side. But without doubt this latest purchase had made her happy, so I thanked her and put it into the bag with the other crap and the hundredweight of turkey sandwiches she had made for my journey home.

I found it difficult to sleep last night, I tossed and turned for hours, eventually I gave up trying and went downstairs for a drink and a turkey sandwich.