Tooth & Nail,

I need to go to the dentist, I’m overdue anyway, but the last few days one of my back teeth has been giving me gyp and like most people I hate dentists. Actually it only hurts when I eat, drink, sit, stand, walk, laugh, sneeze, cough, fart, drive, or sleep so I suppose I could leave it a little longer, until it gets really bad.

My dentist is a woman and although I am proud to say that there isn’t a male chauvinist bone in my body. That I genuinely support a fair across the board gender assignment to lifeboats, and am a firm supporter of equal pay for both sexes doing the same job (As long as I the man gets the same rate for less hours of course). I was a little perturbed when a couple of years ago I arrived for an appointment to discover that my trusty, well scrubbed, knowledgeable, hairy armed stand up male dentist had been replaced by a woman.

The receptionist brought me up to speed with a big cheesy smile on her smart arse face, but her eyes narrow and shifty told a different story, they were, defiant, and confrontational. She treated every patient who walked through the door as an unnecessary inconvenience to her working day. Which mainly consisted of berating the poor, pain ridden buggers for being fifteen seconds late. Bullying them into buying that latest toothbrush and toothpaste on the market, which surprise, surprise they just happened to stock and talking endlessly on the phone to her pal Sonya who worked in the cake shop next door.

I made the mistake of challenging her sarcastic nasty attitude once, when after introducing myself she asked me (Without taking the phone away from her ear or looking at me) “Is your appointment necessary or urgent”. Up until that point I had had a bad day, so I wasn’t in the mood for her bile. I leaned across the counter and replied “Not really, I have a morning free so I thought why not dive into the dentists and subject myself to half an hour excruciating pain”. She didn’t see the funny side of it, and asked me to leave. I ignored her, found myself a magazine and sat down.

There were several people in the waiting area who on hearing this exchange stopped pretending to be interested in the Readers digest and waited mouths open for what would happen next. The receptionist marched out of reception, then a minute later marched back in, arms folded across her chest trailing the dentist with her. She unfolded her arms and pointed menacingly at me barking, “That’s him”. Those sat on either side of me worriedly placed more space between themselves and the accused, not wishing to be associated with, or befall the same fate that awaited him.

The dentist approached me, and said firmly “We have every right to refuse treatment to and eject any patient who is abusive to the staff and disrupts the surgery, could you leave please”. I looked up from my magazine and replied “And I have every right to be treated with civility and respect by your receptionist, and not be subjected to her sarcastic and insulting attitude because my appointment, which incidentally I pay good money for, interferes with her social life”.

From behind the dentist she screamed “You bloody liar, he’s a bleeding liar, I treat them all the same”. I looked the harridan in the eye and said “Yes you do, you treat us all like shit” I turned to the dentist “Ask anyone here, she puts everyone through the third degree”. I turned to the other brow beaten sods for some support, they had been listening intently up to this point, but my request fell on deaf ears, all of them save a little old lady turned back to their magazines and ignored my plea for assistance.

Why the little old lady was there I cannot imagine, she couldn’t have had any teeth at her age, but I am glad she was because she alone had the guts to stand up and be counted. She pointed her bright yellow and red umbrella at the smug faced receptionist and spoke. “She is very nasty and very rude to everyone, there is no need for it. It costs nothing to be nice, she said I was a time waster” the old lady pointed to a woman who had a child with her, “She told this lady to keep her little boy quiet because she was on the phone, and he was just playing”.

The receptionist’s face had turned bright red, the dentist who was no idiot could see that things were at an impasse. He turned to the now fuming receptionist and holding her by the arm as he led her out of the room suggested she go to the staff room, make a cup of tea and calm down. I was ready to leave as asked satisfied that although I had lost my appointment and would probably be struck off their list, had a least derived some satisfaction from bringing another of life’s tosser's to book.

The dentist asked me to follow him into another room, and there to my surprise apologised for his errant member of staff requesting that I wait there and that somebody would attend to me shortly. I sat alone confused and paranoid, thinking this was just a ploy to keep me here whilst he phoned the police to have me arrested. I imagined I would be dragged to a police van desperately trying to put my side of the story saying “If you don’t believe me ask the little old lady” Only to find that my only reliable witness had been spirited away by orthodontic men in black.

I needn’t have worried, before long a pleasant, very pretty and full bosomed young blonde girl opened the door, smiled sweetly and asked me to follow her into the dentist dungeon. I was happy to comply, she had (Apart from the full bosom) a well proportioned and quite wiggley behind that any man would be glad to follow. My dental needs were met as though the earlier altercation had not taken place, and I left without seeing the smart arse receptionist again that day.

And so it was as I stood in front of my former adversary trying to be as pleasant as I could, she informed me that I would henceforth have my mouth serviced by a new dentist, a female dentist, in short a woman for all teeth. Was I worried, Naaahhhh, women are gentler than men, they have more empathy and can relate better to the patients fear of pain. I wasn’t doing a very good job of convincing myself that all would be well, partly because I had had a bad experience with a female dentist when I was about ten years old.

It happened at Manchester dental hospital when I attended to have a simple half crown fitted. She was a student, inexperienced and nervous, I know because she told me. As her shaking hand came nearer to my mouth she looked down to where her foot was controlling the pedal that worked the drill thingy. The next thing I knew I was in hospital having my bottom jaw replaced with a plastic one, and undergoing several skin grafts to cosmetically rebuild my face.

Ok so that last part was a big lie, but the pain she put me through was traumatic. My new dentist turned out to be very capable indeed and is truly professional. One of the good things about opening your mouth for this lady is that she has a habit of leaving the top three buttons of her splendid white tunic open. This allows you an unfettered view of her breasts (Well the top half at least) and is I can assure you every bit as efficient at relieving pain as Novocain.

I think I will ring up for an appointment now.

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