Who ate all the pie's.

The weekend turned out ok although the fireworks promised by the annual Perseids meteor shower failed to impress me. It was cloudy on and off so not great weather for shooting star watching. I was going to cut the grass to but rain prevented that thank god, besides had I done so I have no doubt that my new neighbour with the baldy Tefal head would have been out again trying to bond with me. He is one of the despised sleeveless coat brigade. The day after he moved in I saw him replacing a single screw in his garden shed door. He had one of those buff coloured leather toolbelts that the Americans are so fond of. He must have had a hundredweight of hardware hanging from that belt and all for just one screw that took him three minutes to replace.

God knows why he has picked on me I must be the least likely looking do it yourselfer on the planet. I would rather let someone else do it. On the occasions that I have tried to do it myself I always come unstuck. Like the time I decided to do it myself armed with a huge crowbar to pull the front off a four by four at work. The bar slipped, smacked me in the face, loosening teeth and causing several cuts to lips and conk, and this just two days before flying to Canada to meet a gorgeous young lady. It’s not easy trying to charm someone when your face looks like a baboon’s arse.

Being lazy has its drawbacks, like today I shot myself in the foot because I couldn’t be arsed going to the shop for something to eat. I’ll explain, last Friday week there was no kitchen staff on, so the girls went to the butty shop on two occasions and didn’t ask me if I wanted anything. I was a little upset that they didn’t think of me and admonished them whilst they stuffed their fat faces. I was pretty good, I even convinced myself that what they had done was unforgettably hurtful. Then Saturday they did it again, they hung their heads in shame afterwards. So to rub it in further this afternoon I popped my head into their office to ask if they wanted anything from the butty shop, only to find them tucking into pies and sandwiches.

I did a Victor Meldrew and said “I don’t believe it” they looked sheepish and said sorry, but I dismissed them saying I have to go out, Back later. I drove to the butty shop, ordered two bloody great meat and potatoe pies and sat in my car to eat them. This way I could make them feel worse than they did by letting them think I had nothing to eat. Rotten aren’t I? Well it backfired, shortly after I returned to the office Helen went to the kitchen and made me a meal, a quite big meal. I had to eat it or she would have been offended, eventually I got it all down and she smiled at the clean plate I had left.

Happy that she had redeemed herself she went over to the education unit to relieve Christine (We are short staffed due to holidays) who on leaving the education unit went to the butty shop to get me something to eat. She returned with a meat and potato pie and a steak and kidney pie, plus a jam doughnut the size of a dustbin lid. She plonked them down on my desk saying, “There you go, you must be starving poor boy”. I looked at the food and felt a familiar shift in my stomach region. She sat herself down at my desk and told me she would keep me company whilst I ate, I had no choice but force down, and look like I was enjoying this latest pile of grub that was threatening to burst my guts apart with every mouthful.

My skin was stretched like a kettle drum across my abdomen and I feared I was going to lose the lot, but I managed to keep it down although I’m not moving to far away from a toilet until I’m sure its not gonna blow like a volcano.

Well that’s what happens when you are deceitful and lie, have I learnt my lesson? Have I buggery.