Asda's Own brand.

Despite my recent beefs about Asda I found myself there again yesterday, not for the weekly shop but to browse the CD Isle, they have quite a good selection and how wrong can you get with things like pre-packed, made somewhere else type goods? In the car-park I overheard two battle worn vets of power bargain shopping talking about Asda’s own brand goods that were just as good as, if not better than the real thing.

I should have known better, but I’m a bloke, I’m supposed to fall for this shit. Anyway the thought of huge savings that could count in pounds rather than pennies had me filling a basket once more. I started the ball rolling by visiting the less than hygienic café for a cold coffee. Complaining about the lack of heat in this beverage seems to draw nothing but Blanc stairs from the staff so I have stopped trying, its wet, it moves, its more or less the right colour. Besides I have another plan for getting something done about that. They have a suggestion box hung on the wall for customers to suggest ways to improve their service. The suggestions I intend to stuff into it will run into a novel, emailing head office seems to have had no effect. The gloves are off.

Fish fingers (Asda’s own brand) Ok I know the nearest that they have come to fish was in the delivery truck on the way into the store, but even devoid of the main ingredient (Fish) they should be at least edible. I gave some to my grandson Mark who expelled them from his mouth almost as soon as they touched his teeth. He looked at me with dismay, more I think because he didn’t want to disappoint me after my frying them to death for him (They wouldn’t change colour) than because they were uneatable. I told him not to worry, just eat the chips and the beans (Asda’s own brand). As he set about the beans, which by the way have a fart factor of nine point eight on the sphincter scale, I tried the fish fingers for myself. The result was the same; they left my mouth like a speeding comet and the re-entry into earth’s atmosphere probably cooked them more than when they were in the frying pan.

This morning I made some sandwiches to take into work. Time to get out Asda’s own brand cling film and cooking foil to wrap them in. The cling film stubbornly refused to cling to anything other than the roll that it was packaged in. I fought with it for over ten minutes before consigning it to the bin and reverting to the cooking foil. Again Asda’s own brand. The instructions on how to remove it from the box were a little more than ambiguous, which resulted in my slicing my thumb and forefinger quite badly on the serrated edge, covering the work surface and my sandwiches in copious amounts of blood rendering them in turn inedible. I really did try with the cooking foil, but of so bad a quality was it, and so thick, that only a car panel beater could have fashioned it into anything like a package fit to carry my lunch in. That I gave up and it too went into the bin.

I have a cupboard and fridge full of white packaged, bland looking Asda’s own brand food waiting to do battle with me. I get the feeling I am going to need a bigger bin.

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