The stealth woodpecker

Some very odd people live near me as you will have gathered if you have read any of my other posts, There is one chap who keeps odd hours, he disappears on his bicycle for long periods of time and is always fastening bits of wood together with nails.

He has been doing this for years yet his back garden is empty of anything home made apart from a garden shed which is little more than a frame with a roof, a door but no sides, for some reason he still feels the need to lock it. I know for a fact his wife wouldn’t allow his D.I.Y. in the house, he must be the only person who has ever had an A.S.B.O. served on him for cocking up home repairs. Having said that I can’t remember the last time I saw his wife. It was some years ago, but she must still be around because her knickers can still be seen hanging on the washing line, I'm assuming they are hers otherwise they can only be....nah doesn't bear thinking about.

He wears a flat cap and bicycle clips all the time, I don’t think I have ever seen him without them. He even wears them when he takes the dog lead for a walk late at night, the dog died some years ago but he cant seem to get out of the habit of going for his evening constitutional.

Once he was sacked from his night job, he didn’t tell his wife but carried on leaving for work as though nothing had happened. This only lasted a few weeks of course, he was soon found out when the money stopped. My son told me he saw him in a karaoke club in town one night when this was going on, large as life on stage wailing his head of and yes he had his cap and bicycle clips on.

To my left used to live a family I could have sworn were cobblers, morning, noon and night all that could be heard was the sound of tapping, it accompanied my meals, I could hear it over my TV, it kept me awake at night. I talked to them several times about it but they denied all knowledge. You can imagine my relief when they upped sticks and left, the house was empty for a few months, during which time there was complete silence, then a thin chap who looked like he should be carrying a scythe and wearing a hood moved in and the tapping started again.

I couldn’t believe it was happening again, I thought he had to be a relative of the former tenants carrying on the family business. He, like them denied all knowledge, but said he would keep an ear out for the noise. I suppose I should be glad the culprit turned out to be a woodpecker in the loft, and I am not after all going mad, but I feel rather too silly to celebrate.