Mumble Grumble.

The TV has been saturated last week with all things Roman. We were treated to films about roman emperors, the rise and fall of Rome, a series about the debauchery and politics of a once great empire and one of my favourite films Gladiator. Russell Crow was good in this epic, but I think some of the best performances were given by the supporting cast.

Education hasn’t been ignored either there have been excellent well made documentaries about some of the lesser known Ceasers all of whom it seems like to keep it in the family. Much as I enjoyed my trip through history I feel I have been short changed. Not one of the characters in any of the programs spoke with an Italian accent. I heard Yorkshire, American, Cockney, Scouse and of course the ubiquitous R.A.D.A. accent but no Italian.

I wonder why, usually in films about the Second World War the actors playing German soldiers talk with a German accent, some badly some quite well but at least an accent is used. Lets face it no one is going to put their hands up for a German soldier who shouts “Thall haf fot put thee gun down owd chap or al bi forced fot shoot thee” I wouldn’t.

It dilutes realism, it fly’s in the face of accuracy and to some extent spoils, I would much rather the actors speak Italian, not that I speak the language myself but I can put up with sub titles for the sake of art. I’m being picky here I know the logistics are huge not to mention the expense but surely Italian accents be they good or bad is more acceptable than the mish mash of dialects I had to listen to this week.

Any way the weeks entertainment about a civilisation that once ruled the known world got me thinking, I know that the roman legions were populated by superbly trained paid soldiers who were well supplied and for the most part well led. They conquered everything that moved and if “Gladiator” is to be believed were awesome in their ferocity on the battlefield.

So my question is this, given that all this happened around two thousand years ago and in the grand scheme of evolution two thousand years is but a second of eternity. Why is it that nearly everybody has an uncle who during the African campaign captured three hundred Italian prisoners single-handed?
As a nation they can’t have changed that much surely, and if they haven’t does that mean that one limey soldier is equal to one legion of Roman infantry.

I think the answer is that the Brits were just too lazy to get of their bloody arses when the Romans invaded. I can almost hear them saying to each other “Oh bugger another invading hoard”. Grumbles all round. “Sod it let em in, they can sort the plumbing out and tart the roads up while they are here”. More grumbles “They will soon get fed up and piss off” and of course they did. Leaving behind some of the best refurbishment jobs this country has ever seen.

The Romans weren’t a bad lot when you come to think about it, ok they had peculiar ideas about what constituted sports and games and yes they roasted a few Christians when they felt the need. But as interior/exterior decorators you can’t fault them. No melamine or hardboard fascias for them, it was marble or nothing.

To sum up. Hitler modelled his elite troops on the Roman Legions, he stole all his ideas from the Romans, (well not all but you take my point) and although his nonsense only lasted a few years he at least gets German accents in films and documentaries about him and his crew. Whilst the original gang of hard lads (The Romans) get little more than a hotch potch of mismatched cosmopolitan accents.

I rest my case.