Bird shit.
I came out of the house this morning to discover that a bird had shat on my car, huge great dollops of white, green and black bird crap adorned my beloved Rover 800 sports vittesse. This is not the first time this has happened, in fact it happens about twice a week on average. At the risk of sounding paranoid I know for a fact that it isn’t a case of my car being in the wrong place at the wrong time. On every occasion investigation proves by the fact that there is no crap either side of the car or anywhere around it for that mater that this was a deliberate act of terrorism by the crapee.
I remember one summer whilst working at our track in Great Yarmouth watching the guy that had recently arrived to take over from me, washing and polishing his brand new silver sports car just outside the main office. I warned him not to park there especially as it was an open top car, but he gave me a knowing look as if to say don’t worry old chap, I know what I’m doing and carried on sprucing up his new toy.
All kinds of seagulls and other see birds nested on the roof of our building causing all manner of damage to the roof and surrounding property. The worst time was when they had young in the nest, at the sound of an approaching car they would scramble like world war one fighter pilots and deliberately formation bomb anything on four wheels.
Despite my imparting this knowledge to our intrepid new manager, he completely ignored me and set about masturbating his new car with shammy leather and duster. I armed myself with a cold coke and a large ice cream, sat on the low wall surrounding the track and lazily consumed both whilst basking in the hot summer sun and waited.
He laughed, “You worry too much pal,” he said applying more polish and rubbing the paintwork as eagerly as though it was a magic lamp. I sucked the last melting blobs of ice cream from my cornet and pointed to the roof “They are waiting for you to finish” I told him. There along the full length of the front side of the building sat thirty or forty huge black ugly looking seagulls, hopping from one leg to another quite obviously fit to burst full of crap and waiting for the idiot below to complete his valeting.
He stood back and admired his work, the car glinted in the bright sun, he gave the bonnet one last wipe and satisfied started to put his cleaning stuff in a small bag. The seagulls had been fairly quiet whilst all this was going on but as he was clearing his stuff away they began to screech and flap their wings.
Suddenly as one they took flight, circled once then in tight formation began their run lined up perfectly with the side of the building. The idiot had seen all this but instead of getting out of the way he panicked and stood in front of his car arms outstretched in a vain attempt at protecting it from the squadron of birds bearing down on him.
Like a well-oiled machine the bombers let lose their load and without exception all were direct hits. The sparkling new car was peppered with slimy bird shit, from the front bumper across the soft black leather interior, to the shiny silver grills on the back panel there was a mass of green and white snotty bird crap.
Their bombing run finished the birds went back to the roof from whence they came and looked down on their handiwork with great satisfaction. I felt sorry for him despite his foolishness, but he had been warned. Now if that isn’t convincing evidence for vicious intent I don’t know what is.
Any way I cleaned my car this morning, you have to right away. That stuff eats away at the paintwork and can in seconds ruin it. Its murder to get off too even when fresh, wet and warm. When I had finished I looked around the rooftops daring the bastards to do it again, silence, nothing moved. Satisfied I got into my car and crawled slowly out of my drive much like they did in the end sequence of Hitchcocks the birds.
On my way in I drove to the papershop just a few hundred yards from my house, I couldn’t have been in the shop more than a few minutes, but waiting for me when I came out was a car full of bird shit.
Now do you think I’m paranoid?.
I remember one summer whilst working at our track in Great Yarmouth watching the guy that had recently arrived to take over from me, washing and polishing his brand new silver sports car just outside the main office. I warned him not to park there especially as it was an open top car, but he gave me a knowing look as if to say don’t worry old chap, I know what I’m doing and carried on sprucing up his new toy.
All kinds of seagulls and other see birds nested on the roof of our building causing all manner of damage to the roof and surrounding property. The worst time was when they had young in the nest, at the sound of an approaching car they would scramble like world war one fighter pilots and deliberately formation bomb anything on four wheels.
Despite my imparting this knowledge to our intrepid new manager, he completely ignored me and set about masturbating his new car with shammy leather and duster. I armed myself with a cold coke and a large ice cream, sat on the low wall surrounding the track and lazily consumed both whilst basking in the hot summer sun and waited.
He laughed, “You worry too much pal,” he said applying more polish and rubbing the paintwork as eagerly as though it was a magic lamp. I sucked the last melting blobs of ice cream from my cornet and pointed to the roof “They are waiting for you to finish” I told him. There along the full length of the front side of the building sat thirty or forty huge black ugly looking seagulls, hopping from one leg to another quite obviously fit to burst full of crap and waiting for the idiot below to complete his valeting.
He stood back and admired his work, the car glinted in the bright sun, he gave the bonnet one last wipe and satisfied started to put his cleaning stuff in a small bag. The seagulls had been fairly quiet whilst all this was going on but as he was clearing his stuff away they began to screech and flap their wings.
Suddenly as one they took flight, circled once then in tight formation began their run lined up perfectly with the side of the building. The idiot had seen all this but instead of getting out of the way he panicked and stood in front of his car arms outstretched in a vain attempt at protecting it from the squadron of birds bearing down on him.
Like a well-oiled machine the bombers let lose their load and without exception all were direct hits. The sparkling new car was peppered with slimy bird shit, from the front bumper across the soft black leather interior, to the shiny silver grills on the back panel there was a mass of green and white snotty bird crap.
Their bombing run finished the birds went back to the roof from whence they came and looked down on their handiwork with great satisfaction. I felt sorry for him despite his foolishness, but he had been warned. Now if that isn’t convincing evidence for vicious intent I don’t know what is.
Any way I cleaned my car this morning, you have to right away. That stuff eats away at the paintwork and can in seconds ruin it. Its murder to get off too even when fresh, wet and warm. When I had finished I looked around the rooftops daring the bastards to do it again, silence, nothing moved. Satisfied I got into my car and crawled slowly out of my drive much like they did in the end sequence of Hitchcocks the birds.
On my way in I drove to the papershop just a few hundred yards from my house, I couldn’t have been in the shop more than a few minutes, but waiting for me when I came out was a car full of bird shit.
Now do you think I’m paranoid?.
posted by Dave G at 5:31 pm
3 Comments:
Oh man - so funny although I really do feel for you.
I hated those seagulls when I worked at Disneyworld. I can't tell you how many people I saw getting bird crap in their hair.
What is it about birds that they crap on your car immediately after you've spend all your energy cleaning it? That used to happen to me.. but with pigeons. And, dead right, if you don't remove it immediately it's almost impossible to get it off.
Very funny post though.
Britgirl
After much research, net surfing and coming up with nothing I asked an ornitholgist friend of mine who told me that they are marking territory, I asked why my car should come under the banner of birds nest, he had no answer. Sounds like bullshit to me or is it birdshit.
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