Fat Harry and the crapper

I don't know about you but I miss the old two up, two down crumbling, rat and cockroach infested houses of my early years. They had far more character than the boring open plan boxes that are being built these days. At least you could get your furniture through the front door in the slum type accommodation, I think that's why flat pack was invented, its the only way you can get anything inside these Lego boxes. They are far too neat for my taste. I prefer the chaos and decay of the back to back terraced, where you were always finding things and loosing things, although if you found anything it was usually in your bed, and when you lost something it was probably through a gap in the floorboards.

I have fond memories of the stone floor in the kitchen, the old brown sink with it's big brass tap, and the outside crapper with no roof. It had no roof because one night years ago fat Harry who always wore overalls, goloshas full of holes, and walked with a limp volunteered to keep watch on our bonfire wood, which was stored on top of the coal hole. In those days there was fierce competition between neighbouring streets as to who would have the biggest bonfire, and theft was not an uncommon occurrence.

So fat Harry who must have weighed over a hundred stone stood vigil on top of the crapper roof, where he had a good view of all the wood. My mum kept him supplied with cups of tea and cake, and an old coat to keep him warm, but I think the cake and the coat combined must have been the straw that broke the camels back. Or in this case the crapper roof because just before the little white dot that signaled the end of TV for the night, there was an almighty crash, we all ran outside to see fat Harry the coat and the roof scattered around the back yard.

My dad stepped over the stricken Harry to inspect his beloved toilet, which thankfully apart from being covered in roof dust was unscathed, which is more than can be said for Harry who had among other injuries a broken arm and a lump the size of Glasgow on his head. Still the wood was safe and that was all that mattered to my brother and I, kids can be really mean can't they and the fact that we were more concerned about our bonfire wood than poor old fat Harry who we never gave a thought to proves that. I say never gave a thought to, but in fact we did, the whole family did, every time we had to use the loo, especially when it was pissing down. Still it was nice to watch the stars while you sat there, I used to lean back against the old lead pipe and wonder at the night sky, Its majesty kind of made up for the fact that I had to wipe my arse on the Manchester evening news.