Nellie and the thugs
Old Nellie stopped me in the street the other day and shoved an evil looking greasy brown bag into my hand, "there you are Barry, I’ve been saving that for you" she yelled at me. She is as deaf as a post poor old stick, the kids around here say its because an earwig crawled into her ear and laid eggs, but I suspect its from years of using a pneumatic drill when she worked for the gas board laying mains.
Why she insists on calling me Barry I don’t know, I stopped trying to put her right about my name when I realised she couldn’t hear a word I said and all it got me was a sore throat. The greasy brown bag contained half eaten sandwiches, I couldn’t make out what was on them, but whatever they had contained was several days old and was moving.
Legend has it that some years ago a couple of the local thugs decided to rob the old dear’s house. They broke in early morning when they thought she would be asleep, but as everyone who isn’t a thug knows, old people don’t need a lot of sleep, so they stay up all night polishing their collection of old toasters or rearranging piles of newspapers tied with string.
In any case she was awake and heard them breaking into the kitchen. A neabour who saw what was going on phoned the police, which is just as well because no sooner had the thugs set foot in her kitchen than Nellie set about them with her two walking sticks. I mean she really kicked the shit out of them, I wished I could have seen that. The thugs were arrested in the nick of time and were I am told in something of a state by the time the old dear had finished with them. There was some talk of her being charged with assault, but it was never going to happen was it, I mean come on, you just want to shout “Go Nellie Go”.
Why she insists on calling me Barry I don’t know, I stopped trying to put her right about my name when I realised she couldn’t hear a word I said and all it got me was a sore throat. The greasy brown bag contained half eaten sandwiches, I couldn’t make out what was on them, but whatever they had contained was several days old and was moving.
Legend has it that some years ago a couple of the local thugs decided to rob the old dear’s house. They broke in early morning when they thought she would be asleep, but as everyone who isn’t a thug knows, old people don’t need a lot of sleep, so they stay up all night polishing their collection of old toasters or rearranging piles of newspapers tied with string.
In any case she was awake and heard them breaking into the kitchen. A neabour who saw what was going on phoned the police, which is just as well because no sooner had the thugs set foot in her kitchen than Nellie set about them with her two walking sticks. I mean she really kicked the shit out of them, I wished I could have seen that. The thugs were arrested in the nick of time and were I am told in something of a state by the time the old dear had finished with them. There was some talk of her being charged with assault, but it was never going to happen was it, I mean come on, you just want to shout “Go Nellie Go”.
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